Words Will Never Be Enough

Francisco Javier (my 20-year-old son) gave me this as a gift last year before I went through a scheduled surgery. It was a reminder of our unity as a family. This message basically is our family motto, it has carried us through our lives and will continue with them as they form their own families. It is our legacy to them.

Even though they were very young when their dad went through his liver transplant they are very aware and grateful of the anonymous family that gave their dad a second chance.
Tomorrow as his 18th liver transplant anniversary comes around all we can say is thank you and God bless all donors. Those who today can donate and continue to live full and healthy lives and the families of those who no longer are with us.

Words will never be enough to express our gratitude and probably will never have, yet our hearts burst with joy because of all the years we have been able to be happy together.

We have overcome all differences, struggles and remained one. Carlos, myself and our three +1!

Have A Great Day Dad!

One of my earliest memories during my childhood was probably during kinder.  It's not about the teacher (which was a great teacher by the way) or about the little red wagon that would be taken by a student or two to the lunchroom to pick up our milk and cookies, or about the new friends I had made, or about anything more or less normal, but about my dad's absence.  I remember clearly the day he moved out as it was yesterday. It was so bad, he took some money my mom had on top of our refrigerator that was for milk. That's the sort of dad I had. 

That was the starting point of a series of episodes where my dad would be in and out of our lives.  His absence would be sometimes for shorter periods and other times for longer ones.  During my early years my dad was a figure that wasn't always around and when he was it wasn't a good thing.

That made Father's Day even more difficult to bear with.  I remember watching all those glossy commercials on television, where always a beautiful little girl handed her dad a great present (obviously bought by the mommy that adored the daddy) and he would swing her around.  Both dressed perfectly!  My dad wasn't always around, I wasn't the typical beauty and my mommy surely wasn't going to buy A THING for my dad, and  I wouldn't be swung around with my dress mingling with the wind.

Basically because my dad struggled with alcoholism.

Probably right this second you're thinking, "Well that ought of explain what a crappy father you had!"

Nevertheless, I actually never saw him like that.  I didn't understand him that's for sure (neither did my brother), but I knew he loved us.  What was crystal clear was that he didn't know how to manage or express his love, but we knew it was there.  Probably because he always would be coming back, even if Mom would shout on the top of her lungs, that he wasn't welcome.

They never divorced if you're asking yourself what happened to their marriage along the way.  Up to today,  they are still married (God knows why.).  My brother and me glued their fate, and I'm not even sure if this is good or bad.   Yet, as they approach their mid seventies I'm happy they make each other company, they are more civilized these days (but that's another story to tell).

Coming back to me and my dad, I had an issue with giving him a father's day card.  I could never find the right card for him as I grew up and up to the day I still can't.  What card can you give a father that never gave his own child a birthday card (at least not until I became a grown woman), or her first bike, or waited for her after school to buy ice cream, or given her some sort of advice on dating or marriage (except a lousy example), or drove her to the movies or where ever it was she was going, and I could probably go on for a while more,   but I have to stop at some point. 

That's when I came up with the brilliant idea of making him his card.  I would always write the same thing, that I loved him and would  wish him a great day. Today I don't bother, I just hug, kiss, and give him a nice present (which he is always expecting with great joy). 

Our relationship has evolved, no longer does he battle against alcoholism, and he still has a hard time expressing his feelings, but one thing still remains,  the love we share. I gave him an opportunity and let him be an active part of my children's lives. He has been a better grandfather than a father, and that's okay with me because I've always loved him and I can only feel blessed he's gotten to experience how it feels to be a father, even if  it has been a little late in life. 

Father's Day 2012 (He's modeling the clothes I bought for him.)

I look back at my own childhood and sometimes feel a stab of pain, but then I look at him (now 72) and only feel grateful we've made it up to here and as the autumn of his life comes around we still share our constant denominator, love.

Life isn't perfect and some of us simply aren't going to get a picture perfect family, but that doesn't mean we can't find our own common denominator.  We've come a long way and today as I see the love he has learned to express to his grandchildren,  I can only feel peace with myself, my mom and with him. 

I love you Dad, have a great day!

Attachments: Who Said They Were Wrong?

During the past two years I've heard my fair share of, "don't get to attached, they can take him away." I'll tell you who I'm talking about in a little while.  But first I need to clarify a couple of things, so bear with me.

Another zinger I've heard (which annoys me even more) is,  "Not even your children belong to you in life, so don't get to attached.".  Sorry to differ, but they DO belong to me. They became mine the moment I received the blessing of  carrying them in my womb.  Precisely it was there, where  a life long journey of  caring, loving and looking after them began.  AND (sorry for the conjunction at the beginning of my sentence) I am and will become attached to them!  Let's not leave out the mommies that adopt, who also can and will become attached to their children with the only difference is that they carried them not in their womb, but in their hearts.  Our attachment doesn't mean we're exclusive, it means that we are joined, linked, united, cemented, glued, (and I can go on and on) yesterday, today and forever with them.     

Some of the greatest things in life, begin with thoughts and words.  Life pulls us towards different places we don't even know we want to go to. This can probably explain why every time my husband and me went to the mall, we would end up in the baby department, looking at the cribs, baby cloths, bottles and all the modern baby gear that was available (we had our first child in 1989).  Not only did we do this in the mall, but also in our weekly trips to the supermarket.  Every time we passed the baby aisle, we stopped and talked about all the variety of baby products that were also available today.  We lingered around and then moved on.  With each stop we walked through memory lane and talked about our own children and that's how are yearning was born.  That desire of having our home rejoice with a child's  laughter again was overwhelming, but we really didn't say it to each other.  Probably because neither of us knew how the other would react.  My daughter had brushed it aside saying that we were suffering from the Empty Nest Syndrome.

Our yearning was private, we didn't voice it out.  We just mingled with the idea in our heads.  Up to one day when my husband finally worked up  the guts to ask, "what if we adopt a baby?"  He did it, he had dared to speak out our longing, that wasn't good because we would have to talk about it in a concrete way.  So,  I did what I usually do, I backfired with a million questions and statements. What if we do try and fail?  How are we going to handle the heartbreak? What are the kids going to say?  It's not fair for them! Are you nuts, we are in our mid forties, we should concentrate on us for a change! After a lot of soul searching and going back and forth,  talking or may I say persuading our own children of how great of an idea this was (to which all shouted in protest), our imaginary "baby" became a real possibility.  We decided that our baby would be a girl and began planning, looking for information, getting ready to adopt.

"I wanted to be the healer, but became the healed."

As things turned out, my Myasthenia  relapsed  and so did our dreams of becoming parents again. We were forced to face the fact that my health wasn't up to raising a fourth child.  I gave up on my hopes of  healing, loving and the most important of all, bringing her home.  I would always tell my youngest son, "Somewhere there's a little girl calling my name."  We had taken a step further, and we had already chosen a name for her,  Carmen Isabel.   So you can imagine, what we went through when we faced losing our dream.   As a family we grieved about the baby girl who would never come home with us.  We had become attached to a dream, we had allowed ourselves to cling on to something, but weren't regretting it a bit.  Life brings us joy, but sometimes it also brings us hurt, and there is nothing wrong with that.

What we didn't know was that we were being prepared as a family to receive our newest member.  If you're still reading my blog, come and meet, who people warn me about not getting too attached to....

Ian and me in Franco's Honor List Activity at his University.

 It turned out that my husband's brother trusted him under our care when he was only two months and he turned two a couple of weeks ago (That's another story to tell).  He was formed in another woman's womb, but at the same time was being formed in my heart.  His name is Ian, his mommy chose that name not even knowing what it meant.  The curious thing is that it means, a gift from God.   One of my sons told me a couple of months ago "You know what Mom, you were right about a baby calling you, where you got it wrong was on the sex,  it wasn't a baby girl that was calling your name, it was a boy.".

Once again,  we've faced life with a baby in the house,  and dealt with my relapses along the way.   I wanted to be the healer, but became the healed.  Ian healed my soul and to my surprise my immune system has been much better even since he became part of our lives. We're adjusting, now we don't long or yearn in the mall or the supermarket, but complain (happily) on the soaring prices of baby stuff, but the most important of it all is that  he has become our greatest joy. We are and always will be attached to him, and the best part is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.   

Coming to Life: A Liberating Experience

The Holy Week has become something that means so many different things to so many different people.  For some it's about getting some time off work  or school, and for others it's all about the Christian celebration.  Sorry if I'm not politically correct for citing or using something I heard at church, (but as they say you need to be careful with what you say because as soon as those words come out of your mouth you've lost the power over them, they become public domain) whereas it was being said that it's okay to go to the beach on Saturday, but we better be in church on Friday.   That "better" was said in a solemn foreshadowing tone as to doom and destruction will overcome your life any minute after you dare to think of missing on those exciting "Seven Words" we all know by heart.

Our Holy Week church programs have become a routine, once a year, celebrations.  We listen to the same old, same old each year.  Why don't we try to get something new out of it this year?  You would think to yourself is that possible? This lady has to be nuts!  Jesus begins entering Jerusalem on a donkey on Sunday, dies during the week and we witness his resurrection on Sunday and then take our kids egg hunting with the cute little bunny and all that candy pumping through their veins, so it's more than certain will end up exhausted after trying to pull and push them until they finally fall asleep.  Once it's over, we wont remember about it until after Valentine next year.  So, what was exactly behind all that mumbo jumbo anyway?

This year so I can keep my 2013 resolution on track (as to "being truthful to myself at all times" with roughly translates into not taking crap from anyone) I'm approaching the Holy Week with a totally different approach.  Some may say irreverent or non-appropriate after reading my post's title because the reader may think it's about sex, but for the writer it's just fine anyway.  What is it with sex anyway?  God created us sexual beings, He made us in a way that not only we can reproduce ourselves, but also we can have plenty of fun as we do it.  Sexual fun and pleasure is definitely something very liberating, it frees our minds and spirits if and when we're with  the right person. You just don't get more honest than that.  When your engaging in sex there is no hiding, your partner, spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever you want to call that person will see you as you are.  Naked!   Maybe your thinking right now as to what in the world does this have to do with the Holy Week?

This is a no brainer answer, it's all about the Holy Week.  Don't take me wrong your not going to find anything related to this in the Scripture or any theology that will try to prove something, but me or you can not deny that this is the same way God sees us.  Naked! We can't hide anything from him, He sees us as we are.  Naked on the outside and in the inside.



Let us believe that this Holy Week can bring us back to life and at the same time we may feel liberated enough to begin seeing ourselves like God does and make the changes we need to make.  Not because Jesus is being crucified all over again or because He will rise from the Hades and return to his Father's presence and become one with Him, but because deep inside us the breaking news of his sacrifice is still fresh and alive.  That we are not part of that anonymous crowd cheering as He passed and then witnessing his death without even raising a finger to stop it.  That we don't act like that same crowd when they dispersed among the Hebrew community in the Roman Empire, but act as the loving community of faith we're intended to be.  That we are able to witness that our Lord was sent to the death row by his own people's desire of blood shedding, and learn that sending our own criminals to the death row would prove nothing useful other than satisfying our own need of blood shedding.  That we are no different from them, but anyway God has loved us enough to try to continue to rescue our souls into eternity.

Lets us come to life, not as the persons we were but a much better version of it.  I'm more than sure that this is what this is all about.  Coming to life, enjoying the process and becoming liberated of the nonsense we tend to surround ourselves around.  I only wish for myself and for anyone else that is willing to shed our garments of purity (that's sarcastic by the way) to receive the news of salvation as a wide eyes open experience where hiding in those same garments isn't an option anymore.

(Photo credits: Stephanie Quintana, Sunflowers 2010 "The Miracle of God's Creation")

Standing Up To The Pack

Anyone that has read my blog knows I'm a strong believer of the power of the word.  It's great to be able to reach people and listen to their reactions through diverse channels.  This blog is about faith and how we come to cope with it in many different ways and manners.  The downfall of any given denomination is its weakness to listen to those who speak in the diverse world in which we live today.

 If we had to learn out of something in my own denomination it would certainly be out of the open debate when non-celibate homosexuals and lesbians were good to go to be ordained as ministers after obviously the due process of our presbyteries and local congregations.  Many presbyteries had to overcome the debates and conversations of many of its members and ministers and then come together and share a meal and a conversation without the hatred that many could of had internalized when there are others that didn't agree with them.

How do we overcome personal differences?   Which are the best ways to overcome these differences?  Differences sometimes are ignited when we simply don't agree with another persons point or points of view.  But, how do we react to these differences? A simple way is to listen and see if we can get some good out of them.   For me it's easy to relate to this as a teacher because  a teacher is in charge of a group of people during the day at specific hours and during some days of the week, (they are not 24/7 students) and some of my colleagues thought they owned their students.

Taking it a step further,  some of them would think that they were the ones calling the shots and that nobody  in that classroom better say anything about it.  I would differ because I thought that education was a process where not only students would learn, but the teacher as well.  Not all my students agreed with whatever I said and I had to give them the opportunity to express how they felt about it.  Never in my mind would I commit the stupidity of undermining their opinions or what they felt needed to be said.

Some of my colleagues would pack up like hungry wolves if they felt threatened by any student.  It's funny like animals can teach us a few things about human nature.  Some time ago,  I read a very interesting article about wolves.  Many think that wolves are about anger, ferocity, aggressiveness, but the bottom line for their hierarchy or as we humans would put it, is order.

Wolves behave in  a certain social order and the command is shifted from various types of wolves beginning in the alpha and finishing in the omega wolf.   The worst part is that the omega wolf is the weakest and the one no one cares about in the pack.  Many times he is bullied by other members of his pack and at the end will end up receiving the full blown aggression in the wolf world.   What is it with wolves anyway, is it that their just plain angry all the time or that it's tough for them to show affection?  That comes to my mind as I write this post because recently I've had a very hard time coping with how things are being dealt with within my denomination.

Sadly,  as the teacher is in charge of the classroom,  also "any" given minister in in charge of his or her flock.  What makes me ponder about the role we play as members of any given congregation, are we the omega wolves?  Bullied and mistreated by other members or the hierarchy of our denomination?  Why can't the omega wolf stand up to its pack?  Probably if they did,  they would end of battered and murdered by other members of their pack.  Not only do we kill in flesh, but we are more than capable to kill in spirit.

Some reflect on why Christianity is not the majorities religion any more and I think the answer is clear, we have drifted away from the message of  love (absolute and within no doubt kind of love)  that our Lord taught us and we have given in on our own hatred to those members of the pack that dear to state some truths, or at least their own views on things without having to whisper it through the thin walls of any building that calls itself a temple.

If any good can come out of this reflection,  it would be the understanding that God loves me and everybody else who chooses to believe in him no matter what.  He loves us with all our differences and similarities and shows no boundaries as to where He wants us to be.  God doesn't want us to accept everything said and done as perfect or as an ABSOLUTE truth, because  Jesus didn't do it himself when he lived upon the face of the Earth a couple of thousand years ago and their is no theology that can prove otherwise. For Pete's sake,  why do anyone of us have to? 

(Great article to check out: http://animals.howstuffworks.com/mammals/wolf-pack-mentality.htm)

Aliens Among Us

-The annual gay parade that was celebrated this year in Puerto Rico was disgusting!- Hold your horses,  before you begin insulting or praising me, this is not my statement.  Someone else said it and I had the opportunity of listening and reflecting on what was being said.  Like any blogger I grabbed the opportunity to think about it as a possible post.

But, what would I say about gay rights anyway, I'm not really in favor or against it.  In 2011  I couldn't run away from that issue anymore  because my daughter, +Stephanie Quintana was in the midst of an open debate with me as to if we should or not ordain non celibate gays and lesbians in our denomination.

During 2011 our church gathered in  Minnesota to come together in  it's  General Assembly and went on the approve motion 2010 (4th attempt since the late 1990's) changing our Constitution.  These changes would need the votes of our Presbyteries, but surprisingly for many at some point,  those who were against motion 2010 became supporters of it and approved these changes.  No longer would pastors need to live within the covenant of marriage between opposing sexes, or in chastity.  The language in which our Constitution was written had changed for better or for worse.  My dear daughter participated as a YAD during that assembly and was a strong supporter of the changes that would take place.

During that time I learned to appreciate that she was different from me.  During all my life, repeatedly I had heard about the sinful ways of the homosexuals.    Still, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that our denomination has allowed the ordination of openly  gay and lesbians. But as neither a supporter or as part of the opposition I have learned to listen to the testimonies of those who express their sexuality as part of their core identity and not a lifestyle choice.

Homosexuals and lesbians are people that have gifts and graces of God, and it seems not fair to limit what ever contribution they could make to our society.  But, again I continue to think and rethink my position with respect to this matter and not find a clear voice within my spirit as to where I stand.

Reading an article that was published on the internet by USA Today in which Peter Smith interviews Reverend  Ann Deibart (co-pastor at Central Presbyterian Church in Louisville, Kentucky)  she speaks about the process she went through to become a supporter of these changes, and in the meanwhile the opposition continue to stand and follow biblical prohibitions on homosexuality.  Basically this is where the line is drawn, those who became supporters felt change after much soul searching, hence those who continue to hold their opposition based on the scripture continue to hold the historic view on homosexuality.

If we like the historical perspective, then we can't oversee that both Greek and Roman accepted homosexuality at least in men, only Sappho and Plutarch would go on to write about lesbians.  Things remained more or less tranquil for these members of the community until Constantine changed the established order in 324 AD and Christianity became the chosen religion for the Romans.

For more than 200 years Christianity grew and  its defense of the nuclear family, would lead to a direct attack towards homosexuals and they would become the object of ridicule, contempt and judgment.  Still today they are subject to these same things and no longer Christianity is the majorities religion.  They seem to live in between us as aliens, as if they didn't belong within us.

It's funny though how we could become detached to the point that a read an article in which a Presbyterian minister stated he didn't "mind" if they obtained some things like, not being discriminated, being able to get employment opportunities or fundamental human rights.  These are not things homosexuals should receive, but what they are entitled to by right.

The fact we can't run a way from  is that families today no longer are nuclear and we should applaud efforts taken by our Department of Education that is trying to address these changes through programs that introduce our children to tolerance and respect for others not judgement.  I'm talking about a new program introduced in our school system in which they talk about when a family has two dads or two moms.

I've learned to discern about this issue and have understood that even though we can find direct prohibition in the Old Testament we still have to set aside a frown and replace it with a smile full of love towards our brothers and sisters just how Jesus taught us and love them no matter what, we don't have to approve or judge their way of life because our own way of life is as much in the scope of our Lord.