A memory that will be with me forever, was the day my mom had her follow up appointment after a breast biopsy, and her doctor began explaining something about it. As he spoke I only would see his mouth open and close, so I interrupted and asked him, -what was he saying? I felt dumb because I didn't or wanted to understand what he was trying to tell us. To what he replied with a simple, "Your mother has breast cancer." I felt like my shoulders were carrying the burden of two cement blocks, one on each side. Devastated is short to express my feelings, literally I felt I was drowning. It became so unbearable that I needed to step out of the office for a moment and get a grip of myself. I knew that whatever needed to be done, had to be dealt with. As I walked inside, I saw how my mother straightened her back, took a deep breath and listened to what we needed to be doing in the next couple of days. She was definitely on board to do whatever was needed. I think she was more worried about how I was feeling then about herself, that's how great moms are. Now my problem was I had to get going, but didn't know how. Cancer doesn't come with a handbook or you can't enroll in a course to learn on how to deal with it. You have to create your own Cancer 101 customized just for your individual learning. The course syllabus is just going to be for you and your family.
So, she went through all the ups and downs of her treatment, thank God her tumor was capsuled in and had not spread anywhere, which meant no chemotherapy for her. But she did receive about thirty-five radio therapies in a nearby facility, and ever since she's been free of cancer. I gotta tell you that every time she gets a pet scan done, anxiety becomes my friend for a couple of weeks and goes away when the results are ready to be picked up and good news is delivered. Nevertheless, everyone that has survived cancer has to go through this and when the results are fine you just say a prayer of thanks and move on. My heart goes out to all those patients and their families that don't receive good news and need to go through all the process again. It's like having a trip full of jet stream and realizing when you land safely that you need to get on that turbulent plane one more time because you arrived at the wrong destination.
Going back to my mom, she would tick me off when she would tell me that God had allowed the disease to overcome her. She would say it in a stoic and steady voice. To which I would promptly reply that God hadn't allowed anything, reality was she had cancer and that even though that was a bad thing, He would see us through. In my mind I can't work up the fact that God would allow something bad to happen to her. I'm more than sure He would not want her to go through all the pain and suffering of dealing with the illness and with the treatment, not to mention the aftermath of it all. I like to depict God in my mind as a loving and nurturing father, and as a fact no father would want his child to go through cancer. Patients nor the family should think that it is God's will for us to endure this type of thing. Cancer itself is hard enough.
As our loved ones and ourselves face cancer coming around to accept it is the hardest part. Loosing our health is hard and even harder when you know that things will never be the same, because no matter the outcome you will always be afraid that cancer can or will come back. These are pretty hard words, but it's best to confront reality that hide from it. This understanding will empower you to do something about it for yourself and for your family. If we fail to fully acknowledge it,we will fail in trying to fix whatever is wrong. For cancer patients and their families there is always a dreadful thought that lingers in the back of their heads. It lingered at mine, what if mom's cancer spread somewhere, what if she looses her battle against it, those "what ifs" were killing me. So, I decided to just deal with the daily issues that came along, and leaned on whatever could help me get through it.
That's where the stories of the many survivors kicked in. They were my reference link in my syllabus. My reading list included the stories of all those people, who went through the same things and all are just fine. Those stories enlighten our spirits and fuel us to move forward. Not only do we hear them avidly, as if they were the water of a very thirsty man, but we repeat them to our loved ones. How often have I heard people say to cancer patients, "Don't worry to much, I know a person that had the same type of cancer you have and he or she is doing just darn well.". It's always good to know your not alone! Feeling lonely is the most terrible thing a person can go through when facing such a terrible illness. That's why activities like the relays that the American Cancer Society and Susan G. Komen organize are so important, and even more important is the support we as family can give them.
As you navigate through Cancer 101 in the early stages of the illness, you will have good or great days, thank God for those, but you are also going to live through bad or super bad ones. Those are the ones you will dread to face, but life needs to go on. Nobody can stop our clock from ticking and even if we think that tomorrow holds little or nothing to look forward to, it will get here anyway. You'll need to do like my mom, straighten you back, and inhale a deep breath, grab your Cancer 101 handbook, and get on board, either for your sake or your family's one. At the end of it all, God will be with you like a loving father all the way.
(This post is dedicated to my mom and my father in law which are both very dear to my heart.
Photography: My father's in law 70th birthday. Both turned 70 last year.)
No comments:
Post a Comment